She's broken because she believed

I find myself reacting to every situation like he is the cause of it, the head of it, and the push behind it. I hope that one day soon I am not longer broken by it.

Get a girl's hair wet and they never let it go.

Goals are officially on hiatus.

My life has taken a radical (self imposed) veer off track. And though some of my goals may be helpful to get me on a new track, I need to focus my efforts are some targeted points. So I am not going to make my list a high priority. If some of them get touched as I work through this upheaval, then bonus. But otherwise I am hitting the pause button. April was worse than March for getting anything done so I am not even going to bother listing them.

Hopefully it won't take too long to get back on track.

I know it was just a dream, but I am still mad at you.

I had a very disturbing dream last night. I don't know if it qualifies as a nightmare or a night terror, but I can't remember the last time I had a dream that evoked such an emotional response. When this dream woke me this morning I was scared and I left sick, stomach turning, head spinning, sick. So sick in fact, I wasn't sure I was going to be able to go to work. The feeling subsided after a few minutes, but I was still in shock. You would expect a dream with this much emotional impact to be vivid, but it wasn't. I knew it was a dream and all the imagery was slightly fuzzy, though the sounds were pretty intense. Without going into too much detail, here's the dream:

I was with a group of guys I know. We were inside a building with aisles and closets. The guys I were with were rough housing. I was just watching. One of the younger guys got in the way and tripped over one of the older guys, ruining some sort of plan the older guy had. The older guy jumped up and flipped out. He grabbed the younger guy around the neck with both hands, pushed him against wall, strangling him while he yelled, "I'm gonna kill you" over and over. This set all the other guys into a panic. It took like 4 of them to pull the older guy off the younger guy. The older guy was still yelling calling the younger one all sorts of names. The younger couldn't talk, he could barely breathe. But when he got enough air in him he finally yelled...a not very nice thing...at the top of his lungs.

Thats when I startled awake.

Like I said before, I knew this was a dream, but the emotional response I had, felt very, VERY real. I was sick and scared and paralyzed by this event that took place in my head. But it brought a glaring fact front and center in my brain. I believe I know people who have the capacity to kill other human beings. There is something un-nerving about that. Now logically I see the problem with what I just stated there, because we all have that capacity whether we want to admit it or not. But there are people in the world who have more of a proclivity for it and I know some of them.

I guess it boils down to this: I am worried about what this dream means and what my brain is trying to tell me.

A Rock In The Pit Of My Stomach

I have worked really hard all weekend to NOT think about what is going to happen tomorrow. On Friday, Monday was weighing on me. I was all worried about how it is going to go.  I am a worst case scenario kind of girl and a lot things didn't happen the way they should have over the last two weeks.

So, I did really good this weekend. I didn't let Monday get to me...until now. Monday is a rock sitting in the pit of my stomach, rolling with the rumbles and weighing me down. This may apply to any Monday or every Monday, but ultimately it applies to this Monday...

Should I call in sick tomorrow?

Boy, it sure would be nice if we had some grenades, don't you think?

This is really depressing...I didn't get very far at all last month.

1. Drink more water
Boy, I'm thirsty

2. Keep Leaky Light alive
Click, click...nope...

3. Increase my take home income by $6000 this year
:P

4. Be the lady that would accompany that gentlemen to that party
Let's just laugh here.

5. Read 12 books in a year
Oh holy hell...who has time to read...

6. Watch 36 movies in a year
Yay! One I can say I worked on. End of July put me at 28. You can check out what have seen so far at http://spoiling-it.blogspot.com

7. See 100 movies in 100 days
It's official. This goal is being laid to rest in the cemetery of broken dreams. I just can't see myself getting it done right now, and I want it to be fun, I don't want to push it. So I think I am going to take the ambition of this goal and apply to the above mentioned goal. Maybe I will change the above number from 36 to 50 or something...we'll see.

8. Complete a printed family recipe book
X

9. Start a novel
X

10. Start an etsy store
X

11. Renew my passport
X

12. "Whatever You Think, Think The Opposite"
X

13. Learn to meditate
X

One, I worked on one goal last month...why did I even bother to post this...oh yeah so I could post the Serenity quote and The Words movie trailer.

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Shaking off the Dark and Nasty in 3 parts

Part 1. A lie for the greater good
I had this thought a few weeks ago, but I shut it down due to it's childishness and silliness. But after seeing a news story last night I think I may consider a change of heart. The honest facts as they are: 1) All of my besties now live literally 100s of miles away 2) Though my co-workers are awesome for the most part I really don't socialize with them outside of work, we just aren't into the same things 3) Casual friends and acquaintances are around, but not generally close, nor do I hangout with anyone particularly often. 4) My family knows they aren't going to hear about anyone until it is super serious.
So setting aside the fact that the above mentioned makes my life seem utterly pathetic, it puts me in a position to do something. Make up a pretend boyfriend. I know, right, why? I have been pretty content with my life the way it has been up until this year. For some reason this year a lot of things have started to bother me and one of them is never having been in a serious relationship. I am really not close enough to anyone right now for anyone to know if I am lying or not. So if it will make me feel better about myself and my situation, and having conversations with people why don't I just lie about having a boyfriend. Just make up some okay, but not great, fictional character so I have something to tell someone when they ask.

I guess I can't really do this now 'cause I have talked about doing it. But really who reads this shit anyway? Maybe I will...at least check it out and see if it does make me feel better

Part 2: I am amazing
I know that sounds like a really arrogant statement, and I suppose in someways it is, but I am amazing. What I lack in talent, I make up for with hard work. What I lack in strength, I make up for with caring and honesty. But right now, tonight, it is wearing thin. I am tired and lonely. If the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result, do I need to try being mediocre for awhile? I need my weekends to be booked, a goodnight phone call every night and some place to go during the day that deserves to have me there.

Part 3. I am your solution
Why can't someone just come across my portfolio and realize they need me. Why can't someone just chat with me for a couple of minutes and realize they would be a fool to not bring me into their fold. You hear all these stories about people posting things online and someone stumbling across them and liking them so much they hire them. Its not that I am tired of the hard work, I am just tired of it not paying off.

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This has been a pretty whiny post, but I needed to get it out of head. Hopefully it will help lighten my mood, by lightening the load. I am just so tired of being stuck where I am.

In the mean if anyone out there knows of anyone hiring a GD I'd appreciate a heads up.

Did you just lie to the priest?

I have this problem. Some people may call it a good quality, some might call it a bad quality. I have a really hard time lying. Little white lies, big whale lies, it doesn't really matter, I have a hard time with it. Case in point, tonight I was talking to an "in-law" and she asked me a question. Now, the honest answer to this question is a bit embarrassing for me. And the answer to the follow up question was even more embarrassing for me. Yet, the true and honest answer just fell right out of my mouth. It didn't even occur to me to stop and think about what I was saying. It also didn't occur to me to make a story up that wasn't quite so embarrassing. Now, I am going to spend the rest of the night, week, month worrying about who she is going to tell, and how often she is going to bug me about it. All because I don't have enough sense to tell a little lie every once and a while...

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Ugh! Life sucks right now, and this just made it worse...