The State of Affairs

I am kind of in a pissy mood. Which is unusual because the coming of Autumn generally lifts me up. Today, was great in that regard, the coming of Autumn I mean. I actually had to grab a jacket when I walked out the door this morning. At lunch there was still the slightest bit of bite in the air, and if that wasn't enough, we only had to run the A/C in the Media office for a half day. And yet, my mood is still foul.

Local matters: I have three shared server hosting plans. Why do I have my websites set up this way? Because my knowledge of server management is minimal now, and back when I set this stuff up it was non existent. So being completely honest here, I haven't touched a single one of them in months, and only one is really set in a presentable state. Over the weekend I went looking for some files. I couldn't find them locally so I thought I would get online and see if I could at least find the finished files for reference. So I started poking around the file manager for one of the less presentable projects and found a folder that looked unfamilar, but like I said, it had been months since I had done work with any of the sites. I started bouncing around and my jaw dropped. I found some of the most vile, disgusting file names I had ever read. I didn't dare open a single one of them because the names scared me so badly. Someone had hacked into my account and was not only storing porn (among other things) within one of my dormant sites, but they were directing traffic to it! The visitor stats showed high traffic for the last 3-1/2 months! I was sick, like maybe I should cancel the whole account, sick. Needless to say, I changed the password to the control panel and the FTP. Then I started deleting folders without a second glance. Traffic is still kind of high to the site, but visitors are almost exclusively getting 404 errors. If there is any justice in the world whoever did this was also storing some sort of vital information with all their vile shit and I deleted something crucial to their livelihood or well being. It bothers me that I would wish detriment to another person over what I am sure they saw as a somewhat victimless crime, but like I said, this made me absolutely sick. Then after I got over being sick I got mad...really, really fucking mad.

Finances: I am not going to go into much detail on this one mostly because it is not my story to tell. I am only a tangential on looker, but it is another one of those, wishing harm or detriment to a person. It blows my mind that there are people (seemingly well-off, affluent people) in the world that will swindle other, hard working, middle income people out of their life savings; out of every penny they've put away for security. Now, I am not talking identity theft, or property theft. I am not talking about something as impersonal as a stranger stealing your credit card at the mall. I am talking about someone you know and trust convincing you that they can "make your money grow...to ensure a better future". Someone you've been to see and know by first name; someone you have broken bread with; someone who has been introduced to you and vouched for by a most trusted confidant. It gets me heated just thinking about it. No matter how you try to spin the situation, no matter how optimistic you try to be, it is moments like this that shake my faith and trust in all people. So it almost goes without saying if I was in the same room as this man and he was on fire, I wouldn't even take the time to piss on him.

World Affairs: Fight, flight or freeze, the three potential autonomic responses we have to conflict. I am not ashamed to say that my natural response to conflict has always been (and for the foreseeable future will be) flight. Therefore it should not be a surprise when I grudgingly admit that I was one of "those" kids. One of those kids who would take their toys and go home if a fight arose. That's kind of how I am feeling now about these attacks on U.S. embassies and American citizens. Now I know that current International situations are too complex to simply say, "Ok. we're locking the doors. The keys are under the mat. Do what you will with the what we've left behind. We're going home." But when I hear about attacks on our people, on what, for all intents and purposes, is American soil I can't help but think that the U.S. needs to go back to being an isolationist country. I understand the mantra "those who can, should" and I think I believe the line "all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing", but why should we fight to be somewhere we are obviously not wanted. I have this twisted "ex-girlfriend" idea. America walks out of the Middle-East with a slam of the door and yells over "her" shoulder as "she" steps off the porch, "But don't you dare call me when you can't figure out how to turn on the washing machine!" We all like to think we will be needed long after we're gone, and that usually isn't the case, but it would be nice to find out. Like I said before this really isn't a viable solution to the problem. It would be like putting a Band-Aid on an arterial bleed. Still it was my first reaction when hearing the news.

The Personals: I am feeling like a bit of a failure. For all the responsibility I have I am feeling rather unfulfilled and more than a little abused. I think it might be time to move on, but I am feeling so low about everything I can't imagine I would make a good impression anywhere else. It's a vicious circle. I have been made to feel so small and afraid I can't imagine being anywhere or doing anything else, but I am so unhappy I can't bear the thought of staying where I am. Perhaps, I am being a little too dramatic, it's not like I am hiding bruises or barely scraping by. But really, how much is my time worth? Because I have kind of decided that is all life is really about, trading time. And if that's the case I feel I have to ask, how much time is my soul worth? Because some days I feel like it's slipping away. Family is getting more and more complicated. Two babies due the end of the year, one planned, one not, and a million opinions no one wants to hear. So take a dash of jealousy, mix it in with some stubbornness and a couple of noses that can't seem to stay out of peoples business and I am ready to join the circus, or move to Toronto. At the very least I think we should consider cancelling Christmas. Then this guy, oh my lord, this guy is freaking me out. It's like one day everything is fine and normal. We're all chill, I know what he's like and he knows what I'm like and there are no expectations because we are just friends. No really, he's a bit of a pyro so I feel pretty confident in saying he burned that bridge down awhile ago. He's kind of a player and I can't fault him for that if he can pull that lifestyle off. But then he hears through a friend of a friend that an ex of his is getting married and all of the sudden things change. Maybe he is changing in all aspects of his life, but all I can see is how he is changing towards me. Then again, our sordid past kind of started with a "mis-communication", so it isn't out of the realm of possibility that I am reading more into things than I should. Maybe that's what's really freaking me out. I am starting to see the old days in him, the days before burned bridges; Wickham before the truth came out. I can't help but feel like he's playing me like the old days, but I can't be sure 'cause I thought we were past all that. So my head is spinning. Why is it that all my male relationships (romantic or platonic...but mostly...well exclusively platonic) lately are with guys from my past that have problems. Back when I wanted to be a savior they didn't want anything do to with me, and now...I don't know...there is something seriously wrong with me.

Boy, I had more to say than I thought. This is pretty long. I'm not sure you'll get to the end of it but even if you don't get to the end I feel pretty good about getting out. Maybe I will wake up tomorrow "lighter".

I do want to give you a treat if you happen to make it this far. This is my latest find on YouTube. The channel is called The Beauty Inside. A little back story because I'm not embedding the first episode. The story is about a man who wakes up every day with a different body and face. I know it sounds super sci-fi, but it's not, it's a real compelling drama.

If it's so simple, why haven't you done it already?

I try to avoid the word simple when I am talking about someone else's work, by which I mean, something someone else is doing or more importantly something I am asking someone else to do. Every time someone says to me:

• I need you do this. It should be simple.
• I've got this simple/easy thing for you to do.
• Don't worry, it's simple.
• It's shouldn't take that long, it's simple

I know what they are going to ask me is not simple. When someone comes up to me with one of these lines I usually I think to myself, "If it is so God damn simple why are you asking me to do it? Why can you do it yourself?" Then I think, "You wouldn't say it's simple if you had ever done it before."

The truth of the matter is, it is not the giver, but the receiver who dictates what is simple. Yes, we know that solving a complex math equation is harder than picking all the red M&Ms out the candy bowl, but what if the person you are asking is color blind? Lastly, even if it is simple, it doesn't mean that it won't take time. Simple does not equal quick. It's pretty simple to go through the phonebook and count all Maryann's, but that doesn't mean it won't take a lot of time. I mean, have you picked up a phone book lately? There are a lot pages there.

So, the next time you think about asking someone to do something "simple" for you, I would recommend that you don't insult them by telling them how menial the task is that you can't bothered to do.

Shaking off the Dark and Nasty in 3 parts

Part 1. A lie for the greater good
I had this thought a few weeks ago, but I shut it down due to it's childishness and silliness. But after seeing a news story last night I think I may consider a change of heart. The honest facts as they are: 1) All of my besties now live literally 100s of miles away 2) Though my co-workers are awesome for the most part I really don't socialize with them outside of work, we just aren't into the same things 3) Casual friends and acquaintances are around, but not generally close, nor do I hangout with anyone particularly often. 4) My family knows they aren't going to hear about anyone until it is super serious.
So setting aside the fact that the above mentioned makes my life seem utterly pathetic, it puts me in a position to do something. Make up a pretend boyfriend. I know, right, why? I have been pretty content with my life the way it has been up until this year. For some reason this year a lot of things have started to bother me and one of them is never having been in a serious relationship. I am really not close enough to anyone right now for anyone to know if I am lying or not. So if it will make me feel better about myself and my situation, and having conversations with people why don't I just lie about having a boyfriend. Just make up some okay, but not great, fictional character so I have something to tell someone when they ask.

I guess I can't really do this now 'cause I have talked about doing it. But really who reads this shit anyway? Maybe I will...at least check it out and see if it does make me feel better

Part 2: I am amazing
I know that sounds like a really arrogant statement, and I suppose in someways it is, but I am amazing. What I lack in talent, I make up for with hard work. What I lack in strength, I make up for with caring and honesty. But right now, tonight, it is wearing thin. I am tired and lonely. If the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result, do I need to try being mediocre for awhile? I need my weekends to be booked, a goodnight phone call every night and some place to go during the day that deserves to have me there.

Part 3. I am your solution
Why can't someone just come across my portfolio and realize they need me. Why can't someone just chat with me for a couple of minutes and realize they would be a fool to not bring me into their fold. You hear all these stories about people posting things online and someone stumbling across them and liking them so much they hire them. Its not that I am tired of the hard work, I am just tired of it not paying off.

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This has been a pretty whiny post, but I needed to get it out of head. Hopefully it will help lighten my mood, by lightening the load. I am just so tired of being stuck where I am.

In the mean if anyone out there knows of anyone hiring a GD I'd appreciate a heads up.

Did you just lie to the priest?

I have this problem. Some people may call it a good quality, some might call it a bad quality. I have a really hard time lying. Little white lies, big whale lies, it doesn't really matter, I have a hard time with it. Case in point, tonight I was talking to an "in-law" and she asked me a question. Now, the honest answer to this question is a bit embarrassing for me. And the answer to the follow up question was even more embarrassing for me. Yet, the true and honest answer just fell right out of my mouth. It didn't even occur to me to stop and think about what I was saying. It also didn't occur to me to make a story up that wasn't quite so embarrassing. Now, I am going to spend the rest of the night, week, month worrying about who she is going to tell, and how often she is going to bug me about it. All because I don't have enough sense to tell a little lie every once and a while...

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Ugh! Life sucks right now, and this just made it worse...

Think of it as a Kardashian. What it lacks in refinement it makes up for in cargo space.

I realized this weekend it has been 4 months since I wrote a post here. I wish I could say it was because I went out and found a life and just didn't have time for the "blog scene" any more, but that would be lying. Actually, I think the absolute opposite is true. I find it pretty safe to blame the utterly pathetic state of my life for my lack of blogging. It just isn't any fun to do this if you don't have anything exciting to write about, and it is even worse when everything you might want to write about ends up being a complaint, a gripe, an annoyance, a carte blanche bitchfest, or a worry about "this being the week they fire me." Therefore, no writing for me lately.

When it comes right down to it I have let work take over my life in an overly unhealthy way. If I am not working or sleeping, then I am prepping for work, thinking about work, or worrying about work. So even when I am not working, I am still working. And when I find myself with those few precious moments that work doesn't occupy I am so drained from all the other stuff that I waste them away doing nothing. Are you starting to see my sad state of affairs?

This is why I turned my 3 day holiday into a 4 day holiday. I took Friday off, which depending on who you talk to may or may not have been deserved, but it was very much needed. It would have been highly likely that if I had gone into work on Friday someone would have found me at my desk dead of a heart attack, stroke, or aneurysm. Yes, I have been that spun up lately.

So this weekend I spent some quality time with the family, did some major retail therapy, worked on a little pro bono project for my aunt, and never once looked at work, logged into work, checked up on work or thought about work. This has probably been the best 4 days of life. I can't ever remember feeling this relaxed.

So here I am trying to pull myself out of this funk. I have re-skinned my blog. Which is why I am up at 2am writing instead of sleeping. It is pretty graphic intensive at the moment and may need some tweaking. It doesn't load very well on Firefox 3.# browser (don't ask why I haven't upgraded I might scream). I am writing again, hopefully with semi-consistency. Maybe I will pull that goal list out, and give those a stab again - being that they have gone pretty much no where since I made the list, and as you can see I am trying to keep with the "White Collar" titles. It is tough though. That show is more witty banter between characters than it is snappy one-liners.

Oh yeah, and I have updated my print folio, and hope to get a couple of new projects added to www.amberlynmeier.com this week. I think I want to take a swing at some freelance work so if you know anyone in need of a good GD maybe send them my way.

I don't handle change well

I really do wish Johny well. I hope everything turns out the way he wants it to, but I am still sad to see him go. And it is that much more sad because this mean all my best friends have left me. That sounds really bad. I still have my friends, but they have all moved away. :( So I am feeling kind of lonely.

Lets Get a Few Things Straight

• You are not doing me any favors.
• You have done nothing to make it impossible for me to leave.
• You believe you have made it worth my while to stay where I am. This is an assumption, and it is wrong. Your belief does not make it a fact.
• Neither your happiness or your convenience are my primary concern. Nor should they be.
• Though I do believe you try to do what is fair and what is right, do not patronize me with what you claim is in my best interest. There is very little I think you would do for my sole benefit, and you have given me no reason to think otherwise.
• I may not have known it in the beginning, but I am fully aware now that I have been played. This is not appreciated. It has made me question your every action, past and present, and it colors all of my motives and intentions.
• The fact that my common sense can adequately override my anger (an ability you do not seem to have) is the only thing ensuring that you will see me tomorrow.
  

Tired

Bad attracts bad. Sending negative out only seems to bring negative back. I am tired. I feel my heart full to the brim with darkness and that saddens me. How does that old prayer go? "Give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other." So what am I to do: stop having those conversations with myself, pretend, smile and accept, graciously decline.

I am tired. I am broken. I am defeated. Do I feign happiness until it becomes real? Will it ever become real? Maybe I am just an unhappy person, but I enjoy being happy.

I needed that...

I have a decent vocabulary, not as phenomenal as James or Kevin, but good all the same. And even with that vocabulary I have no other words to describe this last week except these...horribly shitty on the down turn, and overtly hellish on what could only be considered the up swing.

I have been upset, frustrated, angry, grumpy, but above all defeated. I take one problem off my list and 3 more are added. The list is just getting longer and longer. And for as much I need this weekend, 2 days off will only grow the problems exponentially...

I have been wound pretty tight...and instead of drinking, tonight, I turned on the Wii...I played some golf, bowling and tennis...finally some cardio-boxing...and whew...I needed that. The only thing that would have made it better is if I had been using a real heavy-bag and/or targets. I released so much...tension, for the lack of a better term, that I can't keep my eyes open...

We will have to see how the rest of the weekend go.