Oh! You meant 'spectacularly ignorant' in a nice way.

It's that time again, when I feel reflective on the experiences of the last 365 days or so. I went back a looked at some of entries I wrote/posted over 2014 and what I can say with absolute certainty is: this was a transformative year for me.

I started the year miserable. 2013 didn't end well for me, but I had held out hope that the turning of the year would change things. Unfortunately it didn't and the beginning of 2014 was full of disappointment, broken promises and hardship.

I did go to Portland in February. It was a much needed and well deserved vacation. Carla and I had a great adventure. I loved it, there were some hard times, but I think that is part of what made it great. As soon as I got back though things fell right back into misery.

I told myself for months, "this will be the week I change it", "next week will be the week I give notice", etc. I kept holding on to this broken thing thinking if I could just hold out a little longer it would get better; if I just wait it out I will get the tools to fix it. I did this until...well...until I hit my wall. That is when I did something rather rash and unlike me.

I quit. It was the first week in May. I walked into work and started my day like any other. There was a meeting in the morning and emails just after that. That's when it hit me square in the face; this was my moment. I wasn't going to move my line again. I got an email and it pushed me past my limit. It wasn't a big thing, it wasn't something worth quitting over in and of it self, and it affected no one else. There had been plenty of moments in the previous weeks that were more worthy of this action. Yet, I turned to my manager told him I was taking lunch and I left the office to breathe, and when I came back I said my goodbyes to the people I wanted to, sent an email to the owner, picked up the last few things off my desk and I left...and that is when my year began.

It was hard to linger in the fear of not having a job because I felt like the weight of a thousands worlds had been swept off my back. I was happy. I was smiling. I was laughing again. Why had I not done this earlier? Why did I torture myself for so long?

It was amazing the people who stood up to help me. It was astonishing the confidence I gained because of that. So I decided to take a chance, instead of finding a full-time job with someone else I decided to start working for myself. From there things have only gotten better.

I love working from home. I am glad to be available during the day to help out with things. I have been able to travel - I made it to Idaho and Florida since I left my job. I am still learning things and meeting new people.

I don't regret my time at OPSGEAR. I learned so much and had the opportunity to meet some absolutely amazing people. But if I hadn't left I wouldn't be on this amazing adventure now.

2014, in the end, had more good days than bad; more good adventures than bad; more good stories than bad. That is how I know 2015 can only be good, because my adventure is still going on.

Always remember, it’s simply not an adventure worth telling if there aren’t any dragons.

So a couple of weeks ago I did a very bold thing (for me) and quite inadvertently set out on an adventure.

In a very short period of time this adventure has taught me a thing or two. Mostly, that you never really know the situation you are in until you step back, step out or step away.

Looking back I see now that I should have fought more battles. I should have tried harder to be heard whether or not I was to be understood. And I shouldn't have been afraid to burn a bridge that was in such disrepair.

Compromise turned into complacency and submissiveness somewhere along the way and it took stepping off the path to see it.

Ultimately, the lesson I am still trying to learn is...don't be afraid to fail.

Get a girl's hair wet and they never let it go.

Goals are officially on hiatus.

My life has taken a radical (self imposed) veer off track. And though some of my goals may be helpful to get me on a new track, I need to focus my efforts are some targeted points. So I am not going to make my list a high priority. If some of them get touched as I work through this upheaval, then bonus. But otherwise I am hitting the pause button. April was worse than March for getting anything done so I am not even going to bother listing them.

Hopefully it won't take too long to get back on track.

What life? I've been away...

I feel a little bad complaining about 2013. There are a lot of people who would have loved to have my year, and yet I was happy to see it end, because honestly, 2013 was a shitty year. About mid-summer things just started to fall apart and I was miserable. By December I was just holding my breath and waiting for that magical January 1st 2014 to roll around.

The sad part is I am not lying. I really thought if I could just make it through December things would get better. But as you can see by the fact that my 2013 recap is coming to you practically a whole month late, that is not been the case. The suck just rolled right on over with the turning of the calendar.

I am not even going to bother recapping my goals from last year. I accomplished 2 out 12. That is a whopping 17% completion for the things I wanted to get done in 2013. For crying out loud, my attempt rate was only 42%. I didn't even attempt to complete half the things I wanted to get done in 2013.

I am giving serious consideration to not even laying out goals this year. I don't think I can handle gracefully another year of failure (not that I have handled last year's failures all that gracefully). This year, 2014, is already 8% (or 1/12) over. And what do I have to show for it? Twenty-nine pictures, twenty-six email campaigns, one movie seen, one new camera bought, and three new episodes of Sherlock (probably the only thing keeping me from crawling under a rock).

If I don't have my goals up by February 1st I am not doing it this year :P

Do I Need A Reason

Okay, so I had to do quick post about this. My blog has a new domain. You can still get to it with the blogspot address. But now you can also get to my blog at www.doineedareason.com, yup thats "do i need a reason dot com"

A Rock In The Pit Of My Stomach

I have worked really hard all weekend to NOT think about what is going to happen tomorrow. On Friday, Monday was weighing on me. I was all worried about how it is going to go.  I am a worst case scenario kind of girl and a lot things didn't happen the way they should have over the last two weeks.

So, I did really good this weekend. I didn't let Monday get to me...until now. Monday is a rock sitting in the pit of my stomach, rolling with the rumbles and weighing me down. This may apply to any Monday or every Monday, but ultimately it applies to this Monday...

Should I call in sick tomorrow?

The State of Affairs

I am kind of in a pissy mood. Which is unusual because the coming of Autumn generally lifts me up. Today, was great in that regard, the coming of Autumn I mean. I actually had to grab a jacket when I walked out the door this morning. At lunch there was still the slightest bit of bite in the air, and if that wasn't enough, we only had to run the A/C in the Media office for a half day. And yet, my mood is still foul.

Local matters: I have three shared server hosting plans. Why do I have my websites set up this way? Because my knowledge of server management is minimal now, and back when I set this stuff up it was non existent. So being completely honest here, I haven't touched a single one of them in months, and only one is really set in a presentable state. Over the weekend I went looking for some files. I couldn't find them locally so I thought I would get online and see if I could at least find the finished files for reference. So I started poking around the file manager for one of the less presentable projects and found a folder that looked unfamilar, but like I said, it had been months since I had done work with any of the sites. I started bouncing around and my jaw dropped. I found some of the most vile, disgusting file names I had ever read. I didn't dare open a single one of them because the names scared me so badly. Someone had hacked into my account and was not only storing porn (among other things) within one of my dormant sites, but they were directing traffic to it! The visitor stats showed high traffic for the last 3-1/2 months! I was sick, like maybe I should cancel the whole account, sick. Needless to say, I changed the password to the control panel and the FTP. Then I started deleting folders without a second glance. Traffic is still kind of high to the site, but visitors are almost exclusively getting 404 errors. If there is any justice in the world whoever did this was also storing some sort of vital information with all their vile shit and I deleted something crucial to their livelihood or well being. It bothers me that I would wish detriment to another person over what I am sure they saw as a somewhat victimless crime, but like I said, this made me absolutely sick. Then after I got over being sick I got mad...really, really fucking mad.

Finances: I am not going to go into much detail on this one mostly because it is not my story to tell. I am only a tangential on looker, but it is another one of those, wishing harm or detriment to a person. It blows my mind that there are people (seemingly well-off, affluent people) in the world that will swindle other, hard working, middle income people out of their life savings; out of every penny they've put away for security. Now, I am not talking identity theft, or property theft. I am not talking about something as impersonal as a stranger stealing your credit card at the mall. I am talking about someone you know and trust convincing you that they can "make your money grow...to ensure a better future". Someone you've been to see and know by first name; someone you have broken bread with; someone who has been introduced to you and vouched for by a most trusted confidant. It gets me heated just thinking about it. No matter how you try to spin the situation, no matter how optimistic you try to be, it is moments like this that shake my faith and trust in all people. So it almost goes without saying if I was in the same room as this man and he was on fire, I wouldn't even take the time to piss on him.

World Affairs: Fight, flight or freeze, the three potential autonomic responses we have to conflict. I am not ashamed to say that my natural response to conflict has always been (and for the foreseeable future will be) flight. Therefore it should not be a surprise when I grudgingly admit that I was one of "those" kids. One of those kids who would take their toys and go home if a fight arose. That's kind of how I am feeling now about these attacks on U.S. embassies and American citizens. Now I know that current International situations are too complex to simply say, "Ok. we're locking the doors. The keys are under the mat. Do what you will with the what we've left behind. We're going home." But when I hear about attacks on our people, on what, for all intents and purposes, is American soil I can't help but think that the U.S. needs to go back to being an isolationist country. I understand the mantra "those who can, should" and I think I believe the line "all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing", but why should we fight to be somewhere we are obviously not wanted. I have this twisted "ex-girlfriend" idea. America walks out of the Middle-East with a slam of the door and yells over "her" shoulder as "she" steps off the porch, "But don't you dare call me when you can't figure out how to turn on the washing machine!" We all like to think we will be needed long after we're gone, and that usually isn't the case, but it would be nice to find out. Like I said before this really isn't a viable solution to the problem. It would be like putting a Band-Aid on an arterial bleed. Still it was my first reaction when hearing the news.

The Personals: I am feeling like a bit of a failure. For all the responsibility I have I am feeling rather unfulfilled and more than a little abused. I think it might be time to move on, but I am feeling so low about everything I can't imagine I would make a good impression anywhere else. It's a vicious circle. I have been made to feel so small and afraid I can't imagine being anywhere or doing anything else, but I am so unhappy I can't bear the thought of staying where I am. Perhaps, I am being a little too dramatic, it's not like I am hiding bruises or barely scraping by. But really, how much is my time worth? Because I have kind of decided that is all life is really about, trading time. And if that's the case I feel I have to ask, how much time is my soul worth? Because some days I feel like it's slipping away. Family is getting more and more complicated. Two babies due the end of the year, one planned, one not, and a million opinions no one wants to hear. So take a dash of jealousy, mix it in with some stubbornness and a couple of noses that can't seem to stay out of peoples business and I am ready to join the circus, or move to Toronto. At the very least I think we should consider cancelling Christmas. Then this guy, oh my lord, this guy is freaking me out. It's like one day everything is fine and normal. We're all chill, I know what he's like and he knows what I'm like and there are no expectations because we are just friends. No really, he's a bit of a pyro so I feel pretty confident in saying he burned that bridge down awhile ago. He's kind of a player and I can't fault him for that if he can pull that lifestyle off. But then he hears through a friend of a friend that an ex of his is getting married and all of the sudden things change. Maybe he is changing in all aspects of his life, but all I can see is how he is changing towards me. Then again, our sordid past kind of started with a "mis-communication", so it isn't out of the realm of possibility that I am reading more into things than I should. Maybe that's what's really freaking me out. I am starting to see the old days in him, the days before burned bridges; Wickham before the truth came out. I can't help but feel like he's playing me like the old days, but I can't be sure 'cause I thought we were past all that. So my head is spinning. Why is it that all my male relationships (romantic or platonic...but mostly...well exclusively platonic) lately are with guys from my past that have problems. Back when I wanted to be a savior they didn't want anything do to with me, and now...I don't know...there is something seriously wrong with me.

Boy, I had more to say than I thought. This is pretty long. I'm not sure you'll get to the end of it but even if you don't get to the end I feel pretty good about getting out. Maybe I will wake up tomorrow "lighter".

I do want to give you a treat if you happen to make it this far. This is my latest find on YouTube. The channel is called The Beauty Inside. A little back story because I'm not embedding the first episode. The story is about a man who wakes up every day with a different body and face. I know it sounds super sci-fi, but it's not, it's a real compelling drama.

Boy, it sure would be nice if we had some grenades, don't you think?

This is really depressing...I didn't get very far at all last month.

1. Drink more water
Boy, I'm thirsty

2. Keep Leaky Light alive
Click, click...nope...

3. Increase my take home income by $6000 this year
:P

4. Be the lady that would accompany that gentlemen to that party
Let's just laugh here.

5. Read 12 books in a year
Oh holy hell...who has time to read...

6. Watch 36 movies in a year
Yay! One I can say I worked on. End of July put me at 28. You can check out what have seen so far at http://spoiling-it.blogspot.com

7. See 100 movies in 100 days
It's official. This goal is being laid to rest in the cemetery of broken dreams. I just can't see myself getting it done right now, and I want it to be fun, I don't want to push it. So I think I am going to take the ambition of this goal and apply to the above mentioned goal. Maybe I will change the above number from 36 to 50 or something...we'll see.

8. Complete a printed family recipe book
X

9. Start a novel
X

10. Start an etsy store
X

11. Renew my passport
X

12. "Whatever You Think, Think The Opposite"
X

13. Learn to meditate
X

One, I worked on one goal last month...why did I even bother to post this...oh yeah so I could post the Serenity quote and The Words movie trailer.

###

Time to hit the reset button

"Well, my time of not taking you seriously is coming to a middle." - Mal from Firefly

I wish I could offer a happy pleasant close to 2011 and excitement for 2012, but sadly that is not the case. 2011 was, honestly, a bit of a disappointment for me. I failed at quite a few of my goals, and many of my efforts (goal related or not) were ultimately fruitless. I just don't have very much to show for 2011 from any facet so I find myself rather upset.

I have had a 2 or 3 weeks of sulking about it, but now I need to shake it off, stick my head out from underneath the covers, flip the lights on and hit the reset button. I thought a good way to start would be with a new look for the blog. Something a little warmer, cheerier and perhaps with a slightly more humorous undertone.

So despite my reservations of once again not meeting expectations, here are my 2012 goals (well some of them):

1. Drink more water - there is no way I am going to try to cut out the soda/caffeine. I am not going to set myself up for that kind of failure. That being said, I know I don't drink enough water and perhaps if I increase my water intake it will "counteract" my soda intake.

2. Keep Leaky Light alive - so my photo social experiment didn't go well. I really have no one but myself to blame. I should have pushed harder, but I didn't want it to be a burden. That being said, I enjoyed having a place to post some of my better photography. Therefore, even though the intent will be overhauled, Leaky Light needs to stay updated and functioning.

3. Increase my take home income by $6000 this year - I don't care how I do it, as long as it is legal. If I need to get a second job back in retail, pick up some freelance/contract work, start an at home service industry, selling my crafts on the street corner, or finding a new job all together, I need to make more money then I am currently. Money has never been an issue for me, but perhaps if I made it more of an issue I might find myself in a better place.

4. Be the lady that would accompany that gentlemen to that party - I realize that is vague and many, if not all, will not understand what I mean. This kind of has two parts. First I don't want you to think I am aspiring to be a supermodel, actress, celebrity etc. Nor do I want you to think that I looking to "score" me a model, actor celebrity etc. That being said, I was at a movie a week or two ago and the male leads were in these amazing suits looking strong, confident and intelligent. It is amazing that a well tailored suit can exude that. Looking at them I thought to myself, "I want to be with a person like that, worthy and on par to be next to a person like, I want to be equal or of the same caliber of a gentlemen like that." What all this will entail, I am not sure yet. To be honest, I am not sure I could pin down what makes a man like that, it obviously isn't all the suit, but it does help.

5. Read 12 books in a year - That is 1 book a month. I know that this is a highly attainable goal. As a matter of fact I am already head of the game here. It's only the 9th and I have already got 2 books under my belt. This is a recurring yearly goal for me, but I have stepped back on the number for 2 reasons. First, with the "no headphones" policy at work my audiobook consumption has gone down drastically. Second, I think my movie goals might get in the way.

6. Watch 36 movies in a year - This was a goal from last year and I didn't attain it. This year will be better though. I need to see 36 movies in the movie theater, and I already have 2 under my belt. I have see "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" and "The Adventures of Tintin."

7. See 100 movies in 100 days - I know what you are thinking, didn't your last goal say 36 movies? This one works in conjunction with the above listed goal. I read a few months ago about a guy who did this challenge. The goal was to see 100 movies, in theaters, in 100 days which in theory would be fantastic. But if you do the math, I can think of a lot of ways to spend $1000, which is approximately what it would cost to see 100 movies in theaters. The guy I read about worked for a movie related company, and I am sure was paid/reimbursed to see them. So I am altering the challenge just a bit. The goal is to see 100 movies I have never seen before, in 100 days. This means I can rent them or stream them, though the first choice would be to seem them in theaters, as long as they are feature film length and un-edited (that means no TV movies, mini series or films edited for TV). This challenge will probably take place in the Summer, but I might wait do it for the Winter movie push, we'll have to see.

8. Complete a printed family recipe book - I have wanted to do this for a couple of years now. My mom and aunts have some great recipes, but they have been used and altered so much over the years the recipe cards are barely legible. I would like to design a book that compiles them all in one place. I think I might break this one down in pieces and do it as part of thing-a-day this year. Yes, I plan to do thing-a-day again this year.

9. Start a novel - This one really doesn't need any explanation. It is another repeat from last year. I didn't even attempt it though. Hopefully this year I will give it a chance.

10. Start an etsy store - This one works in conjunction with the "increasing my income" goal. Basically, pinterest.com has given me a lot of great ideas I want to try and I think etsy might be a good place to off load some of them after I have had my fun. Plus, the money might be nice, if my stuff sales that is.

11. Renew my passport - Another self explained goal. I don't really plan on leaving the country this year, but it might be nice to have just in case I win the lottery and decide to take an around the world cruise.

12. "Whatever You Think, Think The Opposite" - This is one of the books I have already read. It is a really quick read by Paul Arden. Basically, it is about thinking outside the box, which I need to get back to. I need to start pushing my limits again. But I am going to expand it a little further than that. By changing my perspective, I am going to try to not be so emotional and attached. I am going to learn to lie a little better, say no with a little more confidence, and be a little more nonchalant.

I will admit that there are a few more that I am not listing here and I still need to decide on a "big one". We'll just have to see how it goes.
----------
Addendum
I want to add another goal to this year's list, not the big one though:

13. Learn to meditate - So it isn't a big secret, but it isn't something that I broadcast either, I suffer from panic attacks. They are generally mild, I can keep them under control for the most part. I know a couple of triggers, big crowds for one, so I know the things to stay away from. So add this to a couple of irrational fears, and I think meditation might do me some good.

You know why...

I have like 4 or 5 things I want to post about, but I can't. See, I have this one post that I absolutely have to do, my floating tree post, but I can't make myself sit down and write it. And I can't make myself write the other posts until that one is done.

Oh God...this might be the end of my blog...

Shaking off the Dark and Nasty in 3 parts

Part 1. A lie for the greater good
I had this thought a few weeks ago, but I shut it down due to it's childishness and silliness. But after seeing a news story last night I think I may consider a change of heart. The honest facts as they are: 1) All of my besties now live literally 100s of miles away 2) Though my co-workers are awesome for the most part I really don't socialize with them outside of work, we just aren't into the same things 3) Casual friends and acquaintances are around, but not generally close, nor do I hangout with anyone particularly often. 4) My family knows they aren't going to hear about anyone until it is super serious.
So setting aside the fact that the above mentioned makes my life seem utterly pathetic, it puts me in a position to do something. Make up a pretend boyfriend. I know, right, why? I have been pretty content with my life the way it has been up until this year. For some reason this year a lot of things have started to bother me and one of them is never having been in a serious relationship. I am really not close enough to anyone right now for anyone to know if I am lying or not. So if it will make me feel better about myself and my situation, and having conversations with people why don't I just lie about having a boyfriend. Just make up some okay, but not great, fictional character so I have something to tell someone when they ask.

I guess I can't really do this now 'cause I have talked about doing it. But really who reads this shit anyway? Maybe I will...at least check it out and see if it does make me feel better

Part 2: I am amazing
I know that sounds like a really arrogant statement, and I suppose in someways it is, but I am amazing. What I lack in talent, I make up for with hard work. What I lack in strength, I make up for with caring and honesty. But right now, tonight, it is wearing thin. I am tired and lonely. If the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result, do I need to try being mediocre for awhile? I need my weekends to be booked, a goodnight phone call every night and some place to go during the day that deserves to have me there.

Part 3. I am your solution
Why can't someone just come across my portfolio and realize they need me. Why can't someone just chat with me for a couple of minutes and realize they would be a fool to not bring me into their fold. You hear all these stories about people posting things online and someone stumbling across them and liking them so much they hire them. Its not that I am tired of the hard work, I am just tired of it not paying off.

---

This has been a pretty whiny post, but I needed to get it out of head. Hopefully it will help lighten my mood, by lightening the load. I am just so tired of being stuck where I am.

In the mean if anyone out there knows of anyone hiring a GD I'd appreciate a heads up.

24 hour "super" stores

So at 11:30 at night most all large 24 hour super stores lock all but one set of entrance doors. This I understand; safety, logistics, etc. The unlocked door generally happens to be the grocery side door and will most times be the furthest door in from the street, and again I understand the logic; safety, and what most people are shopping for late at night. What I don't get is why the hell they think in a store the size of an Olympic basketball court they need to have the ONLY register open on the opposite end of where they are funneling people in and out. I mean, I do get the safety thing, but come on really...how inconvenient. Honestly, this is what happened at my local Walmart tonight I just turned around and walked right out. There was nothing I needed badly enough to be that inconvenienced.

A New Yorker that doesn't take the subway is a New Yorker you can't trust.

I think I have mentioned this before, but my cousin has put a lot of work into this beautiful boat. It is a 1967 Hydroswift and Jessie has got it running like a dream. He invited the whole extended family to lake last weekend so we could all give it a go. I loved it! It is so much fun to go out on the lake.

But I'll be the first to tell you, I'm just along for the ride. Why is that so hard for everyone to understand? Everybody wants to know why I didn't bring a swimsuit, why don't want to try water-skiing or go swim with the kids on the beach. And the answer is I don't want to. I am happy just hanging out, I don't have to "do" every second to make the outing worthwhile. But more than that, I really am there for the ride. Thats what I get a kick out of, not all the over stuff. So please just let me enjoy the ride on the lake, the spray, the waves, let me take from it what I enjoy the most.

On a side note, isn't that kid so gosh darn cute.