Just like in the movies...

I could bore you with a brief history of me, introduce you to my newest endeavor, and tell you why I want spend my time doing this, but why? In time you might learn these things about me, or you might not. In the end it doesn't really matter. So let me just start and we can feel our way through it together.

I want to begin with a highlight. I want to mark it down somewhere for posterity. So years from now I can look back and say this was great. Yesterday, despite being a not good day, I received a wonderful boost in confidence. I was in class getting a critique of my work, and my professor, who is a practicing professional, told me I have what it takes to be a designer, I am a designer.

But anyway, I went to see Elizabethtown tonight. It was a wonderfully good movie, Cameron Crowe once again did a magnificent job. But all I could think through the whole movie was "I want this." There was a scene where the two main characters stay up all night talking to one another on the phone. They talked about everything and anything, it was mostly just nonsense. It reminded me a this line from a Viggo Mortensen poem, "I wanted to hang up the phone and never talk to you again, but you kept saying things I wanted to hear." (that isn't an exact quote, but it is the best I can remember this time of night). They had this immediate attraction to one another that wasn't necessarily romantic. They just seemed compatible, they seemed so comfortable together. That is what I want really; just to be comfortable with someone, to be thought about by someone else...I am so unbelievably tired of being lonely.

So there was this guy at work, a temp, it didn't start out as much, just a friendly working relationship, but as time went on I found myself growing more and more fond of him, until I finally had to admit the inevitable, I liked him. I tried to do all things I thought you were suppose to do, I gave him my number, I visited him at work, I bought him breakfast...but still I couldn't read the man. I couldn't tell whether he was just being nice to me, humoring me, or reciprocating. Well now he is gone. He is working in his proper position. It has been a week and I haven't heard from him. But I have known this would be the case since his last day. It goes back the movie I just saw. The main character claims to be a connoisseur of "last looks", the look someone gives you when they think it will be the last time they will ever see you. That was the look I got from him just before I walked out the door. It was feeling. It just pressed on me, hard, pushing me right out the door and away from the situation.

I can't stop thinking about him though. I will be doing something: homework, laundry, surfing the web, and he will just crawl into the back of head and stare at me until I pay attention to him. I don't know what bothers me more, the fact I spend so much time and energy on the thought of him or the fact that he spends so little, if any at all, thinking about me.

Why do I think this shouldn't be this hard?