I Want That

As of like two hours ago, I found out that I could just email my blog entries in, if I didn't want to bother with logging into blogger. So I thought I might give it a try.

But anyway onto what I want to talk about. I have been a little depressed the last few weeks. Actually, I have been really depressed the last few weeks. I think that is why I want to spend so much money (I haven't as of yet, but I almost went out and spent $300 on clothes today), and I want to work on my room, and why I have been all over a the board with the guys at work. I am just crazy right now. I am so tired of doing the same thing, week after week, I am so tired of being a homebody, and I am so tired of being alone. I want to know more people. I want to go out more. I want to do different things. I don't want to be alone. So here is the...(fill in proper word here, I am not sure what is the proper word is, but for me I have it narrowed to: tragic, pathetic, sad) thing, in the last two days I have had my mom, my best friend, and my cousin all point out loneliness to me.

Last night at dinner (actually this late, it is night before last) C was like, "I had to do this church thing for my mom, and the secretary was there, and she was asking me why I didn't have man yet, and I was like cause I don't need one, me and my best friend haven't found anyone to settle down with, and we're fine with it."I was just thinking as she told me this, "is it really my path in life to be alone?"

Then today (or yesterday depending on how you look at it) my mom was staring out the window across the street at our neighbor who lives by himself, and she was like,"thats such a lonely life, oh but he's talking on the phone." (this was after my freak out, but I haven't told you about that yet, so just keep these incidents in mind for later), which seems harmless I know, but not in my frame of mind.

Then my cousin J later today said to me (again), "so when are you going to move in here? I can just see us being here old and alone together like the Golden Girls." Oh my God! I wanted to cry. These were just things I didn't need.

On Friday (omitting all the details of things I am annoyed with) after I got dropped off at home at 10 minutes to 10, I just started to cry. Not even 10 o'clock on a Friday night, and I was home, I didn't want to be, I wanted to out, but I had no one to go with and no where to go. So I just cried. I cried myself to sleep as I read my book, and when I got up this morning I was still crying over it. Fast forward to about 4 hours ago. I had a cousin come in from out of town, she and her boyfriend were on their last leg of a three week vacation. I just kept thinking, "Just what I need to see, this will depress me into a catatonic state. Forgetting the embarrassment of still being in school, still living at home, and selling shoes, I don't have a boyfriend, and i want one." It ended up being nice. He was a nice guy, cute, quiet. We hung out, just watched a video actually, it was nice, I liked being with "new" people. It did throw into even sharper clarity though that I want that. I want a guy I can crawl into bed with at the end of the night, that I am comfortable with. I want what she has. I want that. :..(