If I am Gonna Waste It

Will my life perpetually be wanting what I don't have?

Someone made an interesting comment to me the other day. "Do you feel like the leader?" I was a little thrown back by this. I mean...I had to think about it for second. I am flattered when someone asks me my opinion on something. I love and appreciate the fact that there are people in the world who believe I have the knowledge to help them, and I am not above saying I like that there are people that see me as something of an authority or at least a person of knowledge. That being said, I had never really thought about it in terms of leadership. So I said "no". This person just smiled at me, and said, "you know you are."

This is coming to me after the self doubt of last week. Last week I was sure that I was suffering from "The Outside Looking In" syndrome. I was the sad puppy with my nose pressed to the glass just wanting to come in and play with the others. That is how I have felt lately, like I am tolerated. I often fear that my shyness, quietness and awkwardness comes together as a total package and reads like bitchy-ness and stand-offish-ness (That's a lot of ness going on).

But to bring this back to where I started-wanting what I don't have. There are other camps I want to be a part of. I look at them with longing and wish I could ask them for their help, or they would ask me for mine. Do I long to sit across the room because it is not where I am sitting now? What do they have that I don't that I think I need so badly? I was just told I was a leader...why would I want to be a coat-tail rider somewhere else?

It isn't even that I want to leave behind the camp I am in. I want them both. I want to be able to cross the lines like some many others in my camp do.

Okay, I know that is enough whining. If I am gonna be up this late I should really work something important.