7 thoughts

7 thoughts...
They fill the entire capacity of my brain
Maybe...Just maybe if...
I pour them out over the keyboard
I might have enough free space
To make it through another day...

1. Death
I haven't had any death impact my life directly, but it seems to be all around these days. And I have to say it scares me. I wish I was one of those people that have faith that there is something after death. That after the body fails the soul lives on in some capacity: heaven, energy, rebirth. I have myself convinced most of the time of this, but when I find myself truly confronted with death my beliefs start to waiver and I start to worry this is it-there is nothing after this...This causes my stomach to turn...deep in the center of me I feel this nagging worry and I get genuinely scared, unlike any other fear (James if you read this you can comment about anything but death...I have a pretty good idea of what your position is and I worry anything you will say will just freak me out more).

2. Safety
I have been thinking about getting a CWP for almost a year now, and after recent events the scales are starting to lean more in its favor. If I was going to be at school another semester I don't think there would be a question. I don't want to be the only person not armed(not that have even held a gun in the last 5 years). And I am not entirely sure that would make me feel any safer, 'cause I don't want to think I have it in me to pull the trigger, but if it was my life, or a friends life, or a family members life, or even a strangers life...I just don't know.
Then the paranoia in me worries...you have to turn in a ten card to get a CWP...so on the slight possibility that I don't have an FBI file already I would undoubtedly have one after getting a CWP, because the FBI runs your prints. My fingerprints would be on file forever...

3. Design Design Design
All I want to do is sit in front of the computer and design: logos, websites, books, brochures, calendars, ads, envelopes...anything and everything. And I just don't have time for it cause I have to get this arduous term paper done. It should really be my highest priority right now cause it is a big chunk of my grade, but I just don't want to deal with it. I want to create not regurgitate.

4. Graduation
Do I walk, do I not walk? Do I walk, do I not walk? Do I walk, do I not walk? Do I walk, do I not walk? I don't know what to do. I am not sure I am ready to leave school yet. I feel like there are things I still don't know that I should...I am definitely still learning. And I am not ready to leave all these people behind. There are people there I still want to get to know, that I haven't. I don't want to not have their advice and input. Design is definitely a 'bouncing' profession. What I am gonna do without these guys to bounce things off of.

5. Education
That leads to this. I am a little worried that my education is lacking. I have had these fears since the portfolio review. I don't want to say I got a sub-par education cause I have loved it at WSU and have learned a hell of a lot. I just don't think my work is at that level it should be at. But maybe I shouldn't blame my education for that. Maybe it is just me. Then there is always grad school. I am freaking out so much about being done with school I am seriously considering applying to grad school. I was going to take a couple years off (probably more like 5) then I was going to try to go back...but I guess I need to check out my job prospects first before I make a decision on that.

6. Employment
Now I have to find a real job that pays between 50% and 100% more than I am making now. I have to find a real grown up job...I am thinking of keeping my day job and working free lance but that has it's downfalls. I have figured out my floor rate a billing though. I could do it. That is just a lot of responsibility. I would rather have someone drop a project in my lap then have to go drum one up...at least to start. I least I have a few months before my loans start coming due.

7. Loneliness
I am okay with being alone...I don't know if I am content or if I have just come to terms with the idea. Maybe I just don't think about it often enough to let it bother me. At the end of the day it a bed of my own making...I mean, if you strip away all the excuses, the truth of the matter is I am awkward, shy, and just don't put much effort into finding a man, it doesn't mean I don't want one, I just don't expend the energy. Every once and awhile though, I come across something that makes me feel sad and lonely. It makes me long for a man of my own. Sometimes its a story or a news cast, a TV show or a movie, it can even be a quick moment watching people on the street. It isn't those big moments; not gifts or proposals, great sex or significant anniversaries. Its the little things. I want a guy to worry about me, and be relieved when he finds out I am okay. Or put an arm around when I am feeling bad. I want someone to take care of me when I have a cold. I want a guy, who even though he is running late, takes care not to wake me when he gets out of bed, but doesn't forget to come in and give me a kiss and tell me he loves me before he leaves. How 'bout a call just to say hi...and then before hanging up saying "love you too" even though he is with his friends. It always amazes me how much emotion the little things bring up.