50 words-50 innocuous, courteous, distant words have set my mind reeling. I have had whole conversations in my head since receiving that little email, and it was nothing more that pick up location. But that is just how my twisted mind works.
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Before I begin, I would just like point out an example. Tony Bennett (80) recently became engaged to his long time girlfriend (long time- as is 18 years) Susan Crow. It should be noted that Bennett is considerably older than his fiance. He is 20 years her senior, making her 60. Now when you hear the 60/80 split it doesn't seem so bad, but 20 years her senior sounds a little scary. I mean think about it. When she was born, he was appearing in a nightclub for the first time.
Some people believe that a large age gap in couples constitutes some sort of unhealthy relationship, other believe as long both people are consenting adults love should not know age. Which side is right, I do not know. There are times I think my affinity for older men is a little unhealthy. There are other times when I just think, this is who I am most comfortable with and that should count for something. Truth be told I kicked my older companion habit for awhile, so I don't know what has gotten into me recently that has made me revert back to my old ways. But there is a man, who slightly older than me...not 20 years but older none-the-less, that I am interested in. Some of you may be jumping for joy, other are shaking your head dishearteningly.
Of course before anything ever happens I start jumping the gun, and going through all the scenarios like: people are going to think one of two thing, either I am after his money or he is having a midlife crisis; then of course there is the all it is is sex argument; then there is the family and friends fight (from both sides), then of course I come to my senses and remember that I don't care what people think. After all this lovely little internal drama reality sinks in and I remember: men like him don't date women like me.
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As much I would like to think that I am a liberal feminist, I know better. It pains me to say, but it many ways (not all) I am a traditionalist. I want to be approached, courted, so on and so forth. Making it a little difficult to take my last stance of, just tell him how you feel-let him know you are available and let the chips fall where they may, seriously.
Everybody is always saying, "you can't be subtle when it comes to men, you have to hit them over the head with it." But then when you do its like, "you totally scared him off with that, you shouldn't have been so obvious." It all goes back to game playing which everyone expects, I am obviously horrible at.
With my situation the way it is currently, I dealing with men who come from a traditionalist background themselves (to a degree). So I make myself available hoping to be approached. It doesn't happen, so I get frustrated and fumble through a first move, a probably a second. So when is it that I crossed the line. Was there a point when I viable and I botched it, or was just never a girl "he" (as is a general/any he) would date?
These are the worries I plague myself with. Sometimes I think I just like tying myself in knots as opposed to attempting a real relationship.
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Everybody has at least one of these people in their lives (in some capacity). That person with an undeniable gravitational pull. That magnetic presence that pulls you in and keeps you there. It borders on a morbid fascination. Every word they say is golden, and you absorb it like a sponge. Somewhere inside you tell yourself that this is a symbiotic relationship, that this person gets the same thing from you that you get from them, but deep down inside you know it isn't true. They are the rock star and you are the fan. After months and months your worn down, trying to break loose of the hold has beaten into a perfect revolving pattern. You can see how bad this situation is for you, but that doesn't stop you from wanting to be close to them.
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The picture I have of myself, in my head, is so different than what the world sees. So when I approach you and flirt I do not realize you are out of my league.
It doesn't hit me until long after the fact, the move I was waiting for you to make, that I fear I missed, was never even a thought in your head.
Simply put, it never occurred to me that guys like you don't date girls like me.
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God. Have I said a lot without saying anything or what...
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