"How 'bout that?"

If I were a stronger person I would currently be unemployed. I realize that sounds a little sideways but, that doesn't make it any less true. I have yet to work on my portfolio since I took my week off work. I barely started looking at the "want ads" yesterday. And technically, my last day of work would have been yesterday. But as with the best things in life, changes happen quickly. I was back to work a total of one day when Ruth calls me (at work) and starts talking to me about a cruise. The next thing I know I am saying yes to a 7 day Mexican cruise the first week of March. This posed a financial problem. It isn't that I don't have the money to do this, its just that that money was kind of allocated to the "unemployment" fund. So I have opted stay on at work for another month, with hopes of padding "the fund" a little.

How 'bout that? My new last day is Feb 29thish, and I am going to Mexico for a week.

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I have found a way to crawl out of my head...to an extent. I am not trapped inside my thoughts and fantasies for hours on end, and I feel like I am slowly becoming more productive. Maybe this insular way of being was something I needed to get through something and now it has ran its course its just falling to the wayside. Maybe I just realized that I wasn't as unique in ruminations as I thought, which took some of luster away. Regardless of what has caused the chemicals in my brain to balance out, I am feeling a little more on track and a little freaked out.

How 'bout that? I have finally put stuff like this in its appropriate place.

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On to freaking out a little. First I was freaking out cause I only had 2 weeks before I was going to be jobless, and I hadn't gotten anywhere on looking/finding a job. Then I changed my end date and the panic subsided for a day or two. Then I started freaking about prospects of finding a job. I know a few people who have been looking for awhile and have come up empty. So now I am worried that I won't find myself a job in the alloted time I have given myself. The truth of the matter is I am just a panicky person. I wouldn't know what to do if I wasn't worrying about something.

How 'bout that? I am acting like the disfunctional adult everyone thinks I am.

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I still have a monumental amount of "stuff" rolling through my head. Most of it unimportant to everyone but me. I am sure it will come up later. But I will end with this, it has been spending a lot of time up front.

I dreamed of you the other night,
and haven't slept well since.
I can't decide if its still guilt,
or if your haunting me.

How 'bout that? His death is still bothering me.