Is it horrible to copy and paste posts? I have other blogs I feel I should put this particular rant in. Some of it will be changed a little I just thought I would get someone else's (the vastness that never answers my questions) opinion on the matter.
Today was the day. I went to see Dr. South. Sigh. I have been stressing over it for the last week or so. All in all it went well. It went how I asked it to...it makes me wish I would have asked for more. I realize that doesn't make a lot of sense. Just know that for better or for worse I got what I asked for.
I got up, got ready, and took the 40 minute drive to his office. When he emailed me last week, he gave me his office hours and told me to come by anytime to pick it up (I am not explaining it). I got there, and didn't even loiter before knocking on the door, and he invited me in.
I really want to do a play by play just so I have down somewhere, but I think it will bore most people...I will try to keep it to a minimum.
I said hey, and so did he. Then there was a pause...I freaked out...Either he didn't know who I was, or he didn't remember why I was here. So I said, I am here to pick it up. He replied with a smile, I know, but you can't have it. It isn't here. It is sitting in the middle of my living room. I acted disappointed. Well, there wasn't much acting involved with gas being the price it is. He invited me to sit down and we talked for about a half an hour, until his class was suppose to start.
We talked about all sorts of things. I talked about summer and slacking and needing to find a job (stupid-why'd I say that), we talked about classes, Stats, Intro-students, etc. He asked me about my plans, and mentioned CA and movies. He talked aboutPixar. We talked about grad school. I mentioned Rhode Island and VCU (totally opposite of CA-stupid), but then he mentioned Savannah. So of course I am going to check it out. He talked about his summer plans...he's going back home for a whole month. He seems really excited about it. He talked about some of his friends, told some stories. He has one friend that is getting married...part of his trip back home. He has one friend who is going to come out here with him after he finishes up at home. He seemed really excited about that. He thanked me for the book. He said he was enjoying it. He said he was 3/4 the way through it and said it is hilarious (I let slip I hadn't read it yet....again stupid...who gives a book they haven't read). He told me about a couple of excerpts and said he had recommended it to one of his former professors. This is when he mentioned his girlfriend :( He told me how he would read her pages from the book because it was so funny. That was probably the low point of the conversation (other than me saying stupid things).
So all in all things went like I said, good. At the end of the conversation. I told him I would be back up tomorrow to pick up my paper, because I didn't know when my next accommodating day off would be. He said okay, he would write himself a note so he wouldn't forget it, but now I am having second thoughts. I am wondering if it would be better to wait a week or two. I don't know. That seems a little manipulative. It isn't like he is interested, he is just being polite.
Hmmm...I just feel so stupid. That was proof that I have no social skills. I don't know what I was doing when I was suppose to be learning how to carry a conversation, but I apparently missed that day at school. I just need to give up on guys that I like cause one way or another they are simply unavailable to me. I will just stick to guys I don't like, then I am not let down, when it doesn't work out.
This was enlightening though. I have this huge fear of rejection. I blame it on a couple of instances in my life when I was younger. Back when boys were blatantly mean, instead of subtly mean. Now I know I shouldn't blame things or people, but I think it was these instances that have made it so hard for me to approach men. Aaron was nice, polite, just like his mom taught him, and didn't make fun of me once. Maybe he and his girlfriend got a good laugh over it after the fact, but at least I don't know about it.
I think I am just going to go tomorrow, and be done with it. That is such a pessimistic way of looking at it since I really don't want the connection to end. Just call me fucked up. I have no fucking clue what I am doing...and never will...at least he was nice about it. I was so fucking wound up. My stomach was turning. I felt like I needed to scream. I was feeling fucking stupid. The 1/2 hour was invading my every thought and movement. This day couldn't have ended any later. It dragged on forever. This post has taken me all day to write, how sad is that.
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