Maybe I will feel better if I get out there.

I have played it over in my head about a million times, and it still makes me sick. I guess it still holds; I would make a good Catholic.

I was at work the day before yesterday and the day wasn't going all that great to begin with. I got an email first thing informing me there would be a conference call on Tues in which I would have to "role play" a thief. So my anxiety/anger levels were already raised. I get a phone call from my boss (I had been out sourced to a new location for the day) letting me know that I had done something wrong at my home location (the call was on Saturday, I hadn't been to my location since Wednesday). And the most aggravating part was she called under the guise of informing that the shift switch I requested had gone through, then she tears into me on this thing which I documented fully with the exception of adding it to the "official" list because the list was MIA. This didn't help my already frayed nerves. Then later I had lunch, alone, in a rather unfamiliar setting. So it safe to say that with an hour left on my shift I was feeling pretty raw.

I had a customer come in, I greeted him, and then greeted the customer after him. I went around doing my thing, cleaning up, asking people if they needed help. I am walking up the aisle and there is that customer I greeted, looking at me. So I ask him if there is something I can help him with. And he says something in a low voice that I don't understand. So I am say I sorry what was that. And he repeats himself:

"If you have a problem with me you should have just said something when I walked in."

So I responded with a cordial I am sorry sir, I don't have a problem with you.

He went on to tell me that the his partner, the man that walked in after him, saw me give my coworker "a look" after I greeted him.

I told him that I didn't recall giving any look. I apologized twice to the man, and I reaffirmed that I had no problem with him. But it is needless to say, he and his partner promptly left the store rather unhappily.
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I have been replaying it in my head, trying to recall what I would have done to bring this about, and how I could have handled it better, because here it is Monday morning and it is still making my stomach turn.

When the gentleman in question walked in I do remember thinking he was really hot actually, and when he returned my greeting I did think his voice was a little feminine. I'll even admit my brain stopped on gay for about a half a second, but that was as far as it went because gay or straight really isn't an issue for me.

Now at this point I am fuzzy. It was such a "non-moment" for me that when I play it back there are pieces I just don't see. Something at that point had my attention. Whether I was thinking about how hot he was, watching the register for suspicious activity or seeing what the manager was doing, as I turned around to greet the next door chime I almost ran into a second guy (which makes me wonder how he saw my face if I my back was to him). This second guy happened to be the first guy's partner. And apparently he saw me give a "look." And may I say "look" is a quote. Not a dirty look, not a disgusted look, not an odd look or strange look, just a "look."

So I spent the last hour of shift, feeling shitty, dirty, upset, and like I had done something wrong. I was really unnerved that he thought I thought so little of him, and in turn he thought so little of me. And may I reiterate that this is a guy I had never met before in my life and, barring God's sick sense of humor, will never meet again (and only mention the humor part because my luck will be he is the guy I have to interview with to get my dream job-it is thoughts like that, that have been running through my head for the last 33 hours-does this tell you how sick I am).
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Looking back on it, it upsets me for a number of reasons. First off, I hate to have to say that I don't have a problem with people being gay. Because A) it sounds defensive, and B) it sounds like I am covering up that fact I do. Neither of which are the case. One of my best friend's is gay (but again that sounds like an excuse or a cover).

Secondly, you can't look at someone and know whether or not they are gay. I admitted that my mind did flick to it, but I had no way to know for sure one way or another. The same way he had no way of knowing whether or not I was gay. And can I just say for the record, there are more than a few people that do believe I am a lesbian. A weekly night out for the last ten years with my best friend from high school seems to be enough for some people.
So if I did give a look it wasn't because of him. After he was past me I was on to other things. And I think it takes a lot of guts to walk up to stranger and accuse them of them of thinking ill of you over a look you heard about second hand. I could have stubbed my toe on a bin, smelt something bad, had an almost sneeze, or maybe that is just the way my face looks. I will be the first to admit I am not the prettiest girl on the block. Maybe I have a face tick.

Next, I walked up to the man and asked him if I could help him with anything. If I had a problem with him wouldn't I have just put on a fake smile and walked by, waited for him to catch me, waited for him to engage the altercation. Fuck, I walked right into it. If he had had an ounce of wits about him, I gave him an open-ended question that he could have used to tear into me. My thought would have been if I had a problem with him, I would have stayed away from him. But perhaps my logic is flawed here.

Lastly, and perhaps it is a double edged sword to feel this way, it is people and situations like that, that make it so hard for everyone to integrate. Playing the "poor, picked-on, me" card does nobody any good, all it did is make him come off as whiny and pompous. He should have stuck around and tried to make my life hell, then maybe he would have realized that I was not the ass he thought I was and I would not be thinking he is a prick right now. The thing is I didn't have a problem with him before. He wasn't even a second thought in my head. At most he would have been that hot guy I saw at work. But now I do have a problem with him; he is that arrogant presumptuous ass who, without even knowing me and using weak second hand knowledge, assumed I was a bigot, and thought that was enough justification to be an asshole about it.

He only weakened his position of equality by picking a fight with me over something I am on his side about. And it is a shame that he is so insecure about who he is that he has to go about making scenes like this one.

But then who am I to talk? I still feel bad that this stranger, who I think is an arrogant asshole, thinks I am a bad person.