Lost Joy and Lions for Lambs

As of late I have felt rather stunted. Those things I enjoyed so deeply and completely only a few weeks ago seem like a struggle and chore now, and those things I held as chores now seem to have no value at all, but I do them because they make me seem normal, present and at least aware.

I struggle to write whether it is poetry or fiction or journal entries, and you would think now would be when, at least journal writing, would be most relevant. And yet I strain to type every letter of every word. I can't recall the last thing I created (writing, art, design-it all seems to be gone), shouldn't I be burying myself in all of this?
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Much like every other Friday night, I went to a movie. We saw Lions for Lambs. First I would like to explain the title, the way the movie does (paraphrased not quoted), because I find it interesting. The movie claims during WWI German soldiers wrote a lot of poetry about the British "grunts." They were in awe of them, and the things they would do in comparison to the British officers that came off as bumbling hacks. Redford's character quoted one of these poems saying, "...never before have I seen such lions being led by such lambs." I found myself rather moved by that.

The whole movie was interesting, thought provoking, and well made. If I could have found the passionate part of myself I would have come home and done some research...

Redford had many memorable lines in this movie. Another "speech" he made talked about life decisions and talent. The majority of his part in this movie was his conversation with this one student who has a particular talent for politics and debate, but has been found to be pretty apathetic lately. Redford is talking to him about being adult and how right now in his life he is going to have to make some decisions that are irreversible, and being an adult, he will be the only one held accountable for them. He went on to tell him years will pass and he will start to regret some of these decisions and by the time he gets back to where he can do anything about it, his talent and potential will be gone because things like that don't last forever. Being the selfish creature I am, this hit home for me on a very small and shallow level. I have this feeling that I use to be great-not fantastic or #1-but there use to be greatness in me, and I fear I have squandered it. Or maybe I am realizing I had deluded myself about my greatness up to this point. Either way, it made me think, I need get up and do something with my life before my shine is completely gone. Of course in the movie they were talking about changing the world. I just don't want to feel guilty about wasting my potential.

Here, I don't do it justice, just watch it instead.


Do I need to find a cause? Do I need to find a new job? Should I try to change the world? Is trying enough? Is it suppose to be this hard?

Yes...