I am kind of in a pissy mood. Which is unusual because the coming of Autumn generally lifts me up. Today, was great in that regard, the coming of Autumn I mean. I actually had to grab a jacket when I walked out the door this morning. At lunch there was still the slightest bit of bite in the air, and if that wasn't enough, we only had to run the A/C in the Media office for a half day. And yet, my mood is still foul.
Local matters: I have three shared server hosting plans. Why do I have my websites set up this way? Because my knowledge of server management is minimal now, and back when I set this stuff up it was non existent. So being completely honest here, I haven't touched a single one of them in months, and only one is really set in a presentable state. Over the weekend I went looking for some files. I couldn't find them locally so I thought I would get online and see if I could at least find the finished files for reference. So I started poking around the file manager for one of the less presentable projects and found a folder that looked unfamilar, but like I said, it had been months since I had done work with any of the sites. I started bouncing around and my jaw dropped. I found some of the most vile, disgusting file names I had ever read. I didn't dare open a single one of them because the names scared me so badly. Someone had hacked into my account and was not only storing porn (among other things) within one of my dormant sites, but they were directing traffic to it! The visitor stats showed high traffic for the last 3-1/2 months! I was sick, like maybe I should cancel the whole account, sick. Needless to say, I changed the password to the control panel and the FTP. Then I started deleting folders without a second glance. Traffic is still kind of high to the site, but visitors are almost exclusively getting 404 errors. If there is any justice in the world whoever did this was also storing some sort of vital information with all their vile shit and I deleted something crucial to their livelihood or well being. It bothers me that I would wish detriment to another person over what I am sure they saw as a somewhat victimless crime, but like I said, this made me absolutely sick. Then after I got over being sick I got mad...really, really fucking mad.
Finances: I am not going to go into much detail on this one mostly because it is not my story to tell. I am only a tangential on looker, but it is another one of those, wishing harm or detriment to a person. It blows my mind that there are people (seemingly well-off, affluent people) in the world that will swindle other, hard working, middle income people out of their life savings; out of every penny they've put away for security. Now, I am not talking identity theft, or property theft. I am not talking about something as impersonal as a stranger stealing your credit card at the mall. I am talking about someone you know and trust convincing you that they can "make your money grow...to ensure a better future". Someone you've been to see and know by first name; someone you have broken bread with; someone who has been introduced to you and vouched for by a most trusted confidant. It gets me heated just thinking about it. No matter how you try to spin the situation, no matter how optimistic you try to be, it is moments like this that shake my faith and trust in all people. So it almost goes without saying if I was in the same room as this man and he was on fire, I wouldn't even take the time to piss on him.
World Affairs: Fight, flight or freeze, the three potential autonomic responses we have to conflict. I am not ashamed to say that my natural response to conflict has always been (and for the foreseeable future will be) flight. Therefore it should not be a surprise when I grudgingly admit that I was one of "those" kids. One of those kids who would take their toys and go home if a fight arose. That's kind of how I am feeling now about these attacks on U.S. embassies and American citizens. Now I know that current International situations are too complex to simply say, "Ok. we're locking the doors. The keys are under the mat. Do what you will with the what we've left behind. We're going home." But when I hear about attacks on our people, on what, for all intents and purposes, is American soil I can't help but think that the U.S. needs to go back to being an isolationist country. I understand the mantra "those who can, should" and I think I believe the line "all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing", but why should we fight to be somewhere we are obviously not wanted. I have this twisted "ex-girlfriend" idea. America walks out of the Middle-East with a slam of the door and yells over "her" shoulder as "she" steps off the porch, "But don't you dare call me when you can't figure out how to turn on the washing machine!" We all like to think we will be needed long after we're gone, and that usually isn't the case, but it would be nice to find out. Like I said before this really isn't a viable solution to the problem. It would be like putting a Band-Aid on an arterial bleed. Still it was my first reaction when hearing the news.
The Personals: I am feeling like a bit of a failure. For all the responsibility I have I am feeling rather unfulfilled and more than a little abused. I think it might be time to move on, but I am feeling so low about everything I can't imagine I would make a good impression anywhere else. It's a vicious circle. I have been made to feel so small and afraid I can't imagine being anywhere or doing anything else, but I am so unhappy I can't bear the thought of staying where I am. Perhaps, I am being a little too dramatic, it's not like I am hiding bruises or barely scraping by. But really, how much is my time worth? Because I have kind of decided that is all life is really about, trading time. And if that's the case I feel I have to ask, how much time is my soul worth? Because some days I feel like it's slipping away. Family is getting more and more complicated. Two babies due the end of the year, one planned, one not, and a million opinions no one wants to hear. So take a dash of jealousy, mix it in with some stubbornness and a couple of noses that can't seem to stay out of peoples business and I am ready to join the circus, or move to Toronto. At the very least I think we should consider cancelling Christmas. Then this guy, oh my lord, this guy is freaking me out. It's like one day everything is fine and normal. We're all chill, I know what he's like and he knows what I'm like and there are no expectations because we are just friends. No really, he's a bit of a pyro so I feel pretty confident in saying he burned that bridge down awhile ago. He's kind of a player and I can't fault him for that if he can pull that lifestyle off. But then he hears through a friend of a friend that an ex of his is getting married and all of the sudden things change. Maybe he is changing in all aspects of his life, but all I can see is how he is changing towards me. Then again, our sordid past kind of started with a "mis-communication", so it isn't out of the realm of possibility that I am reading more into things than I should. Maybe that's what's really freaking me out. I am starting to see the old days in him, the days before burned bridges; Wickham before the truth came out. I can't help but feel like he's playing me like the old days, but I can't be sure 'cause I thought we were past all that. So my head is spinning. Why is it that all my male relationships (romantic or platonic...but mostly...well exclusively platonic) lately are with guys from my past that have problems. Back when I wanted to be a savior they didn't want anything do to with me, and now...I don't know...there is something seriously wrong with me.
Boy, I had more to say than I thought. This is pretty long. I'm not sure you'll get to the end of it but even if you don't get to the end I feel pretty good about getting out. Maybe I will wake up tomorrow "lighter".
I do want to give you a treat if you happen to make it this far. This is my latest find on YouTube. The channel is called
The Beauty Inside. A little back story because I'm not embedding the first episode. The story is about a man who wakes up every day with a different body and face. I know it sounds super sci-fi, but it's not, it's a real compelling drama.
